Penny's Log
by Altonish
Summary: Penny’s self told story of her summer spent without her friends, told through the pages of her diary. There are contemplations of Leonard / Penny.
1. June 7th 2009

June 7th 2009

I can't believe I haven't written in this thing in almost two years. The last entry is September of 2007. I was apparently an idiot back then because I'm droning on and on about how much I miss Kurt and how I wish he'd apologize so that I could take him back. As if.

It's funny what two years of growing up will do to you. I thought I was pretty clever when I moved out here from Nebraska. I was going to get a part in a movie, be super famous and then rub it in the nose of that bitch Julie Cassidy. Now I don't know if I even care anymore. I mean, I still want to be famous, but it's so hard to keep going to auditions after four years and getting no serious parts. My acting coach says you have to be plucky and persistent, but four years? I have an audition next week and I hope I get it because I can't haul much more cheesecake.

So looking back and reading this, I'll probably be wondering why I picked up my diary again after two years. Boredom. Yep, that's it, I'm bored, sad and honestly? I'm a kinda lonely. I mean, I knew the guys had become a pretty big part of my life, but I it's not like I hang out with them _that_ much. It's just that we always have dinner on Sunday nights. At least on the Sundays I'm not working. But I have the night off and there's nothing to do around here. Lindsey invited me out, but I spent three hundred dollars on a new Parka and snow boots Wednesday when I was watching the home shopping network. I don't know what I was thinking. Snow gear? I mean I live in L.A. and its June. It was ninety-four yesterday. What the hell do I need with a parka?

So now I'm going to struggle to make rent, because for some reason ever since stupid Leonard told me he was going to the North Pole I can't stop buying cold weather gear! I can't believe the way he sprung this on me. Who does that? Who just up and leaves for the North Pole without giving their friends time to adjust to the fact that they have to spend their whole summer alone? I mean it's the best part of the year and now what? I'd go buy a new bikini and go spend some quality time at the beach…except I spent all my money on a new parka!

I hate that I miss him so much. I hope he's freezing up there. That would totally serve him right. Honestly, I just hope they're all okay. I don't like thinking about them all out there in the world on their own. They are all brains and no sense that bunch. I love them all to death, but I wish they had more sense about the way the world really works rather than trying to learn life lessons from physics text books. Then again if I studied my books a little harder, I probably wouldn't be so intimidated by Leonard's massive brain and maybe we could have had a second date.

It's so pointless to even think about. If Leonard really liked me he wouldn't have left me here to spend the summer alone. I hate being alone.

Lonely Penny


	2. June 10th 2009

Penny's log: Star Date -324979.3435

Get it? It's just like those guys on Star Trek! Except I don't know how to count a star date. Leonard says that they go backward if it's before some really far date in the future, so current star dates are all negative. I swear most of the time I don't understand half of what he says. It's just cute to watch him jabber excitedly about some random fact or when he absolutely has to tell me something and it's something I never had any hope of understanding. The frustrating thing? I try to understand Star Trek and Battlestar and Star Wars and etc etc etc… When I tried to explain Gossip Girl to Leonard? He wouldn't even try! So unfair.

So, I put on last year's bikini and went to the beach yesterday. It's horrible and out of fashion, but I just decided to go with it, but God! I'm so pale! I looked like an albino out there next those people. Plus my swimsuit definitely doesn't fit the same. I think I must have put on a few pounds since last summer. I think the boys are a bad influence. They NEVER exercise and they're all skinny as sticks. Every time I go over there it seems like they're eating and they never gain any weight. So I've decided to get some exercise while they're gone. It'll be good for me to get into some better habits. The question is, what kind of exercise? I can't afford a gym, unless I go back to Kurt's gym(HA!). I hate running and I don't know, it just seems like so much bother. I'll have to think about it.

I picked up a course schedule for CCCLA. I'm not sure why exactly. I mean if the acting thing isn't going to work out, then it might be good to have something to fall back on. The thing is, I could only take a couple of classes at a time and it would take forever to actually graduate. When I left Nebraska I was sure I didn't need college. I just don't want to be a waitress for the rest of my life. I've got an audition tomorrow and I really need it! It's just a small part, but it actually pays. It's not like it's a lot or anything, but it could pay for my new Parka at least.

The guys didn't show up for hamburgers last night. I knew they weren't going to, they're at the North Pole, but still, it was Tuesday night. Tuesday night is hamburger night! I never thought I'd miss Sheldon's neurosis. Even though I hate serving them (not because I don't like them, but because I feel excluded when I don't get to eat with them) I could have really used the money. Leonard and Raj are always really good tippers. Sheldon always orders the same thing and always tips exactly 14.75%. I asked him why one time and he said that if he tipped me 15% I'd have absolutely no reason to strive for improvement. Whatever, it's like 20 cents. Howard is a terrible tipper, but Leonard always leaves extra…which makes me feel kinda guilty. What am I supposed to say? I don't like it when you tip me? I'm a waitress. I like getting tips from everyone else. Even Raj's little extra doesn't bother me. How do you explain to a friend that when they tip you extra it makes you afraid they think you're only friends because of tips? On the other hand it doesn't make me feel creepy the way old Mr. Johnson does when comes in a flirts with me for two hours, drinks two cups of coffee and then leaves a ten dollar tip. That's just wrong. But I do enjoy the money!

Well I should get to bed, big day tomorrow!


	3. June 12th 2009

June 12th 2009

So shocker of shockers, I didn't get the part. I'm so mad. I mean my Midwest accent wasn't convincing? That's how people talk back home! I swear, when they want something urban I'm too Midwest and when they want someone Midwest I'm too urban. What the hell? Are they just messing with me?

The worst part? The person who always makes me feel better when I get shot down isn't even here. Well last night a bottle of rum had to do the trick, but I had to work tonight and I'm not getting drunk now. It just sucks! That part was perfect for me and I still couldn't get it. I miss Leonard. It's not like he knows the right thing to say when I'm upset, in fact he often says the wrong thing. The thing is he tries so hard and it's so cute. Then he lets me tease him about it and I feel better. Okay, that sounds horrible, I'm not mean or anything. He's just fun, sweet and always so supportive. After my Halloween party when I felt so horrible, he was so great. Even when I threw myself at him and he didn't take advantage of me. How many guys would do that for a friend?

One good thing though. My new parka and snow boots showed up today and they're great. I put them on and modeled them and if I needed to look cute at the North Pole, I totally could. Unfortunately, I'm not going to the North Pole, so I have no idea what to do with these. I'm thinking that going home for Christmas this year is sounding better and better. I know I said I'd never go back until I made something of myself out here, but that was mostly because I was afraid my mom would talk me into moving back to Omaha. I always had a great fear that I would get stuck in Omaha and marry some farmer, get pregnant and end up being my mom. That's certainly the life my mom wants for me. There's so much to the world outside of Omaha, I wish my mom could see it. But now, I think I've established enough of a life here that I don't think any amount of guilt or begging could keep me from coming back. I have a life here. Okay maybe it's not perfect, but I'm happy here. (Most of the time.) I've learned so much.

I wish my parents would come visit, but Dad will never leave the farm and Mom will never come to LA by herself. She's convinced everyone here is a murderer or a rapist. I can just imagine her cowering in my apartment afraid to go outside because the boys across the hall look shifty.

Tomorrow, after work, I'm going out with my friend Marlene. We're going to a club downtown and see if we can meet some cute guys. I'm not super excited, but I've spent enough time alone the past two weeks and I could use some normal social interaction. It might be nice to find a guy who would prefer to spend the summer with me rather than locked in a frozen box. Although, it was so hot today, that a frozen box doesn't sound all that bad. It just figures that it would be 101 on the day my parka arrived. It's like the weather gods are trying to be ironic or something.

Bummed Penny


	4. June 15th 2009

June 15th 2009

So… I went down the CCCLA registrar's office and signed up for classes. It's summer term, so it's only like two months. I couldn't really afford it, I put the tuition on my credit card. No idea how I'm going to pay that off. The two classes were $1298. I'm taking Creative Writing and Earth Sciences. I don't know why they call it Earth Sciences. Aren't all sciences done on earth? I wanted to take Physics 201, but I couldn't get in without my high school transcript and I'm not sure if I ever took any science in high school. Plus apparently you need some math to do physics 201. I told the registrar that I took algebra in high school, but he wasn't impressed. There's math beyond algebra?

I know people will think I'm just trying to impress Leonard, but I already decided I'm not even going to tell him. It's not like he'd be impressed by me taking community college courses. I know he suggested it, but that was so humiliating. I want to do this for me. Ultimately, I'm hoping I'll understand what the guys are talking about. I still need to find a way to learn some physics. I don't even know what that means. What the heck is physics? Are those sciences that aren't done on earth?

Today was the last day to register for summer term and last night I wasn't sure what I was going to do. It's going to be hard with my restaurant schedule. They're pretty good about moving things around, but I've got acting classes and auditions. (Well hopefully) Anyway that should fill up my free time in the evenings anyway.

Oh! I figured out the exercise thing. I'm going to rollerblade to class and back. I'll pay for the rollerblades with the money I save on gas! It'll be great. I know rollerblading stopped being cool like fifteen years ago, but I'm good at it and its very good exercise.

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and I'm really nervous. I didn't spend a lot of time studying in high school. I always assumed I'd be an actress and math and science wouldn't matter. My favorite class was drama. It was the only A I got in all of high school. What if I can't learn this stuff? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I'm the only person over twenty in the class?

Living next door to two geniuses definitely has a negative impact on what you feel you know. I mean I know the names of all the starters from the Nebraska 1995 and 1997 national championship teams, but neither of them is ever impressed when I bring that up. I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was twelve almost completely by myself. You think I'd get some credit for that, but Sheldon was halfway to his PHD, by twelve and Leonard…well I'm not entirely positive Leonard's ever seen a tractor. Hopefully knowing a little science will give us more middle ground.

Nervous Penny


	5. June 18th 2009

June 18th 2009

College is hard! I mean so far the worst part is how early the classes are. My Creative Writing class is at 9AM. Who can be creative at 9AM? Plus we don't do any of the writing in class. The writing is the home work. So far it's pretty light, but apparently we're supposed to fill this entire binder by the end of the summer. I can't write that much! That's crazy.

So I had no idea that books aren't covered in tuition. I felt like an idiot on the first day of class when I showed up without my books and everyone else already had them. I had to ask the instructor. Another $140! I'm definitely going to go broke this summer. Thankfully Cheryl is going to let me pick up a few of her shifts and my boss said he could get me a couple of bartending shifts. The thing about the bartending shifts is they're during the week and it's not very busy. Oh well, I need the money at this point. I really wish I hadn't bought that parka. Every time I look at it, it reminds me of why I feel lonely.

I hate that when I'm home the guys aren't over in their apartment. I always enjoyed hearing them coming and going. It was just comforting knowing they were over there. The building seems kinda empty now. I still hear people walk by occasionally, but I don't really know the people upstairs. I always used to think this building was really welcoming and friendly, but I'm only now realizing that I hardly ever see the rest of the people who live here. They must be shut-ins or hermits or something.

Tuesday I had my first science class. At the end of class we were supposed to split up into lab partners. So I went over to the lab counters to mingle and meet the rest of the class, because I didn't really know anyone. Thankfully there were a couple of people in the class who are even older than I am. But then this guy vaulted over two rows of desks to get to the lab counter I was standing at and asked if I wanted to be lab partners… Well I what do you say? I didn't know anybody else in the class and he's cute, so I said okay. Nate's totally the kind of guy I normally date. He's a receiver on the CCCLA football team. I think he has a bit of a crush on me, but he's like 19. I've never dated a younger guy and I'm not really looking. He asked me to go see the new Star Trek movie. I can't believe the guys didn't go see that before they left. Anyway I told him I wasn't really looking to date anyone, but he said we should study on Sunday and then go as friends. I said I would, but I'm kind of leery, it's clear he's looking to be more than being lab partners. I don't want to be rude, but I'm not really interested. Hopefully he's cool with being friends.


	6. June 20th 2009

June 20th 2009

So I went to see Star Trek with Nate. It was a compromise. If he studied really hard for two hours then I would go see the movie with him. I'm not sure how hard he studied. He's even more clueless about science than I am, but he at least gave it an effort and so I went to the movie. It was pretty good, but I kept having to point out the difference from the original time line and there was stuff in there I didn't understand. What is red matter and why does it make planets implode? I kind of wish the guys had been there to explain it, but I don't think I could see this movie with them. They wouldn't want to take time to explain stuff to me. Sheldon would talk down to me. Howard would use some sexual metaphor and Raj would just look helplessly at me even though he knew the answer. So I guess I'd have liked to see it with just Leonard, but that would have made it seem like a date and I'm not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.

I definitely want to go out with Leonard again, but I'm still worried that he'll get bored with me. The problem is that I get so jealous when I see him with other girls. I totally sabotaged his relationship with that Dr. Stephanie. I mean she helped and she made it really easy, but still Leonard really liked her and I kind of pushed him to break it off. Leonard was so jealous about my little fling with Dave, that I thought he was going to turn green. The worst part about that whole thing is that Leonard knows why I'm not dating him and he seems upset by it. He can't seem to figure out why I go out with the smart guys around him, but don't actually date him. Isn't it obvious? I like intelligent men, I just can't lose my one connection to that world. If Leonard and I go out and he gets bored and breaks it off, what then? I go back to dating guys like Kurt?

I tried talking to Cheryl about all this but she totally doesn't get it. She just tells me to go for it! Everything will work out for the best. This is the same girl who's still hung up on Raj and spent six weeks moping after my Halloween party because he didn't call her. I tried to explain to her that he can't call her because he isn't capable of talking to her, but she doesn't get it. She thinks he's just quiet. Sometimes I think they're perfect for each other because Raj never talks and Cheryl never stops. I think to myself maybe I should get them back together just for my own amusement. God knows Raj needs it, because he can't go through his whole life without ever talking to women, but I just can't doom him to listening to Cheryl carrying on and on for the rest of his life. If only she'd fallen for Howard… Of course listening to Cheryl and Howard…that would be torture, never mind.

So tomorrow is three weeks since the guys left. According to the handy dandy schedule that Leonard made for me, they haven't even started working yet. They'll still be setting up equipment for detecting monopoles. I don't know what monopoles are or why they can only be found at the North Pole, but this seems like a lot of trouble. They're scheduled to start work on Tuesday and I hope they find them right away. Maybe they could come back early.

Oh well, I'm off to bed. I have class tomorrow.

Sleepy Penny


	7. June 27th 2009

June 27th 2009

Oh my God! I got a part! Okay so it's a student play and it only runs for two weeks at the end of July and the beginning of August, but if we do really well at the box office they're going to Ashland for the Shakespeare festival! I can't believe it. I play Hermia. I'm having a hard time with the plot and there are a lot of lines to remember. I don't get paid, but it's good experience. It's like Shakespeare which is a really big deal. All of the students in the cast are excited about doing Shakespeare, but I have to admit that I've never really gotten it. Like I know Romeo and Juliette and Hamlet, but Hamlet was really weird. I watched this super old movie where Mel Gibson played Hamlet. It didn't make any sense at all. I'm super excited though.

The toughest part is that there's a lot to learn and a lot of rehearsing. I'm not sure where I'll get the time. I just saw the notice in the student union for an open audition and I couldn't turn it down. There's still a deep seeded part of me that wants to make it as an actress. It's hard to say if that's realistic anymore or it's just a dream, but if I'm not an actress anymore, then what am I?

I'm kind of struggling with my two classes. I've never done this much writing and it's getting really hard. My instructor wants me to be less autobiographical in my stories, but it seems like whatever I turn in she keeps coming back to that. The stories aren't about me, I haven't written about a girl named Penny once, but she says she wants me to expand my horizon. I need to observe others and write about their world. What does that mean? The last story I wrote was about this girl from Marina Del Ray, who worked at Chevy's and fell in love with a really smart customer. That's nothing like me!

Well I better run, I have to go over to Nate's so that we can work on finishing the report on our science lab. We were studying the mineral content of soil. We collected soil samples from all over the downtown area and then we had to mark them and analyze the soil composition. It's really hard. We have to explain the differences in soil content. Now I'm a farm girl, so I knew there were different kinds of dirt, but man there's a lot of ways minerals can get into dirt. We spent the last four nights looking up reasons for different mineral deposits. The crazy part I was talking to this girl Kirsty in our class and she said that physics is even harder! That doesn't seem possible.

Gotta run!

Bouncy Penny


	8. July 1st 2009

July 1st

Okay, so the craziest thing happened yesterday. There' this girl at work who's all quiet and shy. Nobody really talks to her all that much, but she's been working there for like six months. Anyway, I was in between a split shift and the Manager said I could study at one of the tables on the far end of the restaurant that we only use when it's super busy. So I'm sitting there working on my science homework and Bernadette, that's the girls name walks up and ask me what I'm studying.

Well it turns out she's like a major science genius person. I mean not like Leonard, but she's getting a doctorate in biology and you still have to be pretty smart to be a doctor. The amazing thing though is that she can explain things in a way that normal people like me can understand. For instance I never realized that rust isn't caused by water. Water needs to be present, but it's actually caused by oxygen in the air. I didn't think that could possibly be right, but I had to explain what caused the iron in our dirt samples to rust. I got an A! Well technically we got an A, but Nate was no help at all. I told him what Bernadette said and he wanted to just go with water. I told him, if he wanted to do it together then we had to use oxygen. He was too lazy to do it himself, so we both got an A.

I think that might be the first A I've ever gotten. I got some pretty good grades mind you. I got a B+ in small gas engines in high school. I also did pretty well in metal shop. Why are electives always so much more fun that regular classes? Can't they make math fun? Oh well, I was so excited that I told Bernadette that I'd take her out on the town. I don't think she gets out much and she lives with her mom. Hopefully she doesn't just freeze up like the guys always do when I take them anywhere outside their comfort zone.

So the director in my play is really strict. He replaced two of the actors because they hadn't learned enough of their lines for us to rehearse properly. Wow! I hadn't learned all of mine yet either, but I'm definitely getting on it now! He said I very believable as a fairy, but that I was supposed to be playing a human. What does that even mean? Hopefully he relaxes after we get through our first full rehearsal.

So, I wasn't going to make rent. I borrowed some money from Sheldon. It was in his Green Lantern doll. I'm not sure where he put his snake money. I don't think he'd mind really, but I feel bad for taking it without asking. I'm totally going to pay it back. I made five Penny Blossoms™ and I'm going to take them to school tomorrow and sell them. If I can sell ten a week, I should be able to pay Sheldon back way before he ever knows it's gone. I've been wanting them to come home early all summer and now I don't want them to come back until I have enough money to pay Sheldon back. I'm so confused.

Confused Penny


End file.
